30 June 2013.
June comes to a close, with a bang. I wake up feeling wretched, wanting to punch the headlights out of someone. Maybe the weather is responsible or the disturbed sleep from last night. Whatever the reason, before my rational mind could kick in, the damage is done.
I pick up my phone, I go through all the messages accumulated overnight and somewhere a fuse blows off within. Weirdly none of those messages are responsible and yet at the moment, any kinda trigger works. I open the chat window of the first person I can think of; the only person I can think of so early in the morning. And I ‘download’ all my wretchedness on the pitiful soul. Like a fish out of water, I am pretty sure he had no clue what had suddenly hit him. Despite all his best and valiant efforts, I am determined to be my most miserable self. Difficult to comprehend, confused to my own self. I blast off all my ammunition on him, leave him stranded in the corner and then just walk off. All this even before I am completely out of bed. The pillow feels wet to my cheek…or is it my cheek that is wet?
There are these days when you don’t know what is happening within. At most times, the answer is right there. Crystal clear and impossible to miss. And yet all this missing business is at fault. When your eyes are focused on the destination, you miss out on the loveliness the journey has to offer. And when you are obsessed about the distractions en route, you may walk awry. The balancing act occurs on a fine line and life suddenly is viewed from the eyes of a tightrope walker. It must be tough, always being on track…
The fuse restored, the bulb in my head suddenly lights up. That is what this is all about. Watching both sides of the street before crossing it; focusing on the tightrope below your feet and not on the fall that awaits either side. That is the point I have been missing all throughout. There is always another side to the coin, there is always a black to the white. What works for me may not (and should not) work for the other person. Because if everything in this world toed the line for me, Life would lose its spice. The seasoning called Diversity.
All of a sudden, I see why all that wretchedness. The blinders were in place, the heart so rigid. Haste never allowed reasoning to open its mouth and so I never really took the time to see the other side. Of why it’s not the number of SMSes exchanged, but the connection maintained that matters. Of why time zones and communication gaps are the unfortunate albeit convenient displacements. Of why what really matters in the end is being there. Just being there. For it is the background that really completes the picture.
It is losing the frown that really wins back the smile.