28 February 2013.
A email landed in my inbox today. ‘He is no more…’ For a second, the heart fluttered and the mind went numb. Images rushed past, names crept up…so many lives intertwined via that single person, who was no more in our midst. When the soul is satisfied with the life lived, there really is no better way to exit this mundane world…the end seems almost welcome, but for the ones left behind it is just the beginning…
It has been 6 years since the first time Death came knocking on my house’s door. The Grim Reaper walked in and took my grandfather away then. As simply as that, in the bat of an eyelid, in the midst of a breath. As his pain finally ebbed away, my journey with it just about began. For 15 entire years of my life, I was protected from it. That evening-still crystal clear in my mind- I was left with no choice but to face the reality. Square my shoulders and act his true grand daughter. Strong and ready to take on the world. Not wallow in the vale of tears but stand as a pillar of strength to everyone. It is ironic how you truly understand the person when he ceases to be. In the days that followed, his presence was greatly missed. The chair he sat on, the briefcase he couldn’t do without, the walking stick he hated to use…and the room where he reigned supreme. With time, the pain reduces in intensity. But in every occasion thereon, an absence is felt. There has been no admiring glance from him, no frowning face upon constant phone calls for 6 whole years. The chair opposite me on the dining table is no longer taken by its rightful owner, no taunts about us sitting opposite each other and yet finishing dinner at the two ends of a continuum. 6 whole years without all of that and so much more. And I have still not gotten used to not having him around.
In my mind, I am still holding on to him. A photo frame hangs above his bed but his real memory stays alive in the hearts that loved him and still do. For all our lives have been richer; of being associated with him; of having been his family.
But I am still holding on…
Because I want to lay the table for five just once again. Four just feels incomplete, even after so many years…
20 February 2013.
There are some mornings when you just wake up cribbing. Every single thing about the day is wrong. It is raining outside, it is gloomy inside. You don’t want to get out of bed, but you can’t stay in either.
You have nothing to say and so you keep quiet. The people around you wonder what’s wrong when the usually talkative mouth offers monosyllabic replies. You wonder at it yourself! The clouds part and let the sun rays filter through….but that has nil effect too. It all feels wrong…this idleness, this stack of pending work next to you, this utter lethargy seeping through. The mind is bombarding you with lists of Things to do; some more interesting than the others….and yet the body refuses to cooperate.
As of now, all I feel like doing…is sit by the window, put my feet up, grab a mug of coffee and watch the world pass by 🙂
I’ve done enough rushing on my own. Today, even the smile takes a break.
3 February 2013.
Distance is just a concept. Before I travelled so many miles away, I was of the opposite opinion too. But a few months on this side of the world and the mind is forced to take a different perspective. All that hype about distance creating a gap between people and adding a crack in relationships, it’s all crap.
Because when you really care, no distance is too long. When someone on the other side of the world still looks out for you, the computer screen becomes a friend and the mobile phone an amazing companion. It’s not such a bad thing, this Distance. It allows you to let down your defences and really explore yourself. Overlook the perfections and find the flaws. Work on those flaws until you can step back and look yourself proudly in the mirror. And all the while, there are friends still calling out. People whose lives still include me, whose lives still involve me. The Gossip still finds its way to my ears and the problems still find my shoulder. The only difference this Distance really makes? The physical presence. The feeling of having someone besides you and just enjoying it. The silent assurance down the phone is just not enough. But yes the feeling of picking up the phone and picking up the threads of conversation from where you last left them, when you walked away…..now that feeling is out of this world!
To all those who mourn at Distance, take a look at the distant horizon. All those familiar faces and places are still there…just a look away. Waiting for you, watching for you 🙂
2 February 2013.
An electric kind of happiness runs through me today. Since childhood, I have been crazy about the sun. So when England decides to allow a little sunshine in its day, it is Heaven on Earth! Off come the sweaters and on come the ‘glares’…! Such a day deserves an outing; wherever whenever.
Everything around looks so different, so ‘ illuminated’. There is warmth in the air and spreading all around too. Strangers share a smile and the bus is filled with chatter. Funny what the sun can do. It got me thinking about how the weather influences us in such little ways. When the clouds appear in the sky, the gloom spreads over all the people beneath it. And when it rains, sadness pervades all around. People weep and literally. I come from the land of sunshine and never have I felt more grateful for it. Until now, the sun was something I took for granted but come England and I began to count my blessings. The soaring, searing temperatures of the hottest regions in India are welcome now.
But when in England, do as the Engalnd-ers 😛 So on with the sweaters and up go the umbrellas. Wrap that scarf lest a chill catches you. But just for now, just for today……good morning, sunshine 🙂
31 January 2013.
It is a relief to write at times. When millions of words are crowding inside your head and crying for a way out. But open your mouth and they all tumble out wrong. Keeping them in a safe option…but then again, not advised for your sanity. The words flit in within, driving me crazy….and then the fingers overpower that restlessness. They type as fast as possible…
The New Year is already 1 month down. February starts off from tomorrow and I chalk up another month in my series of London I(s). I am 4 months old already, and the glamour is fading out. The dust of habit is fast settling in and it feels like I’ve lived here all my life. Funny how getting used to any environment seems matter of fact within days. Oh all that fuss about ‘staying alone’. Cooking isn’t such a challenge, banks aren’t such a mystery and self-entertainment is a skill worth perfecting. In a manner of speaking, the months have rushed past…and yet each day has dragged on. Some nights I’ve just been glad to chalk off yet another day and at other times, there was no keeping tab on how the week was over and gone already.
Tonight is one of those nights when I am simply glad the day is over. It has been tiring but it has been boring. I have given myself company and I just want to escape from myself. Run up the hill and into the woods…to scream out loud. Feel alive and not alone.
Or maybe I can just write it right….and save myself 🙂
Friday 21 September, 2012
So officially the last day before my first weekend here begins. There is a party air in the atmosphere already. People are gearing up with their party clothes while I load up on the warm clothes. The wind has started to get chilly. Yes, it bites..! But in the warmth of the ‘happening’ atmosphere around, I doubt that matters.
The culture isn’t quite a shock, but it is still difficult to comprehend. Everyone so decked up, or rather dressed down hehe in as minimum clothes as possible isn’t something I have seen on a daily basis…yet! People aged 16+ already look ‘wasted’. For a minute, I need to check my id card to confirm my age. I look a kindergarten kid in front of them. And that is a little unnerving. Not just clothes, but simply in the way they carry themselves. The ‘don’t-care attitude’ they flaunt so easily.
I am having my own adventure today though. In the bus to Brighton with Anushka, to check out the ‘night life’ as we describe it. Where the Pier lights fascinate us more than the pubs. Where the excitement brings goosebumps more than the chilly rain that just started impromptu. And where we get back ‘on a high’….minus the alcohol 🙂
Thursday 20 September, 2012
So today begins the teaching. The real reason for uprooting myself from my motherland and landing up in this foreign country. The pull of language stretching across borders. The system is different, the approach to teaching absolutely alien. And yet, at the very core the topics are the same. It is, after all, the presentation that makes a world of difference.
Everyone is a fresher here…even the locals. And that is the best part of this campus I would say. The fact that no one gives you a second glance just because you are dark-skinned. Life goes on normal for everyone, no matter what part of the world you come from. There is not ‘much ado about nothing’ 😉
The teaching is another fascinating part out here. The professor is a little less than a friend, with the way she interacts and talks. The lectures are absolute bouncers…or today’s was I should be saying hehe since the study system differs so very much. The only positive part, my prior knowledge is upto the mark..! But it is going to take me a while to get used to the way lectures occur. A lot is left to the student…whether that is good or bad I really cannot say. Today has only been the first day…
But yes, the library has enough to keep you busy and so here I am, burdened with books on the first day itself. So hello PG life 😛