Tag Archives: life

A Quarter Down *hic*

14 November 2016

It is past midnight and technically the 15th of November. I should have been fast asleep ages ago, and yet there’s a deep reluctance tonight to do so. Because if I sleep and when I do, it signals the end of the day. And after waiting an entire year for this day to arise, it is tough to accept it has come and gone already.

The clock struck midnight and the dates switched. A new day has begun and yet I am still caught up in the memories of the day that just was. 25 years ago, on this very day, a teeny tiny red – faced me came wailing into this world. Happy to be here finally and just raring to go. A chubby baby with an unruly bob of curly hair. My baby photographs capture me giving toothless smiles to the camera. Photographs lovingly captured by my photographer dad. My family remembers me as a baby, and I watch myself grow up through the flipping pages of the photo album.

There I am, lying on my back, enjoying being the centre of attention. Learning to stand on my feet, taking a shaky step on my own. I wobble, I stumble, I fall. But out shoots a hand and holds me up. My first lesson at rising up each time I fall.

Sulking behind a cake, hiding behind my mother… I was a shy little child, with never much confidence. Somewhere in those photographs though, I start peeking out. Looking out at the world that has so many opportunities to explore. I wobble, I stumble but I don’t fall. I slowly start to accept me for who I am.

Engrossed in telephone diaries, flipping through a picture book… My obsession with reading captured at each stage of life. I fell in love with a language and the romance blossomed into a lifelong affair. It not only gave me a hobby but it also helped me walk on my career path. I wobble, I stumble but now I do not fall…

I flip through the photographs and cringe at my teenage years. Awkward and an introvert to the core. It took me a trip across the globe, a run around a playground and an hour of conducting tuitions to finally learn to open up. To acknowledge strangers and not peek at them while hiding behind my mother. To conduct conversations and build new friendships. To accept heartbreak and take it into my stride. To sustain a relationship through the growing years and make it into one of my most valuable assets.

I smile at all the memories that run through my mind as my fingers fly over the keyboard tonight. I want to capture it all through words that may live longer than the photographs. I struggle, I falter but yet I continue to type on.

I am a quarter down today. High on life and in no mood to stop drinking in the many experiences that’ll come my way…some good, some bad, some awesome and some that leave me awfully sad. My smile is tinged with some hurt too, as I realise how much life has changed since the day I was born and how much it is going to till the day I cease to exist.

I heave a sigh that is tinged with regret, at the opportunities I denied and the people I’ve lost along the way. I shake my fist at the wrong decisions I’ve taken and the grudges I’ve held. “How does it feel to be 25?” a friend asked me today, and I wish I had an answer. 25 feels an awful lot like age 3 and 9 and 15 and 18. 25 feels like age 21 was just yesterday and 23 was ages ago.

Cheers to a quarter that was full to the brim. Tonight, I am a quarter down, with three quarters to go! *hic*

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True Love… is just You.

14 February, 2016.
The memories force me to look back. I remember that bandana on your head, the t-shirt you were flaunting, the shorts you were wearing. I remember hearing your name; I remember seeing your face. But there is one thing I have long since forgotten…the way we met.That first look we shared.

Awkward, shy and almost non-existent was I. But you walked in and threw colour into a bleak life. Sometimes, late at night, I sit and wonder…were you sent in my Life for a reason? May be to make me smile, may be to teach me to love. Love myself and embrace the world. Looking up to you (and literally!) I stood up on my own feet and actually bore my own weight. It was a young age, the age of infatuations.

And I was deeply infatuated.

I was convinced my heart was lost forever. Never would I find it back, although I knew who it had crossed over to. You spent ages convincing me to take it back, but stubbornness is a trait synonymous to me. I was determined to make this crush last as long as I could, try your advice on yourself. ‘Love yourself and the world will love you too…!”

For me, the world was You.

….I still remember that day you invited me home. After a million ‘Oops I forgot to introduce you to my mom’ meetings, there arose a day when your mom opened the door for me. A door into your house, and into her heart. A random opportunity of entering your house, and I seized at it shamelessly.

Never have I stopped ever since.

….I still remember that moment when you drew me close and told me you loved me. If there is a Heaven we can experience while on Earth, for me it was that very moment. It was my moment of success, of having proved you wrong. It wasn’t an infatuation. It was Love. But above all, that moment was our moment of happiness.

The first of so many more to come.

In the days that followed, there began a mad rush to know each other. As friends, there are some boundaries you never cross but as lovers, there hardly remain any. You drew lines, I walked over them. I insisted, you gave in. There was every possible way of communication used, because any amount of time spent together was too less. I wish there was some way of ‘saving’ your touch because every other interaction between us could be archived.

You left me hungry, desperate for you any time of the day.

…I still remember looking at you across the hall and feeling your eyes find me amidst that crowd. The smile we shared then and so many more times later. A world of our own amidst the bustling crowd. Your searching eyes when I walked out of sight, my lost gaze when I didn’t see you around and the almost instant ‘Where are you?’ messages that followed. The walk you led me on through a million lanes, watching from a distance and enjoying my desperateness. And then that moment of relief when I finally saw you…!

When Joy knew no bounds.

…I still remember those moments of pure jealousy I went through on various occasions, because I was so sure you had lost all interest in me. All throughout, my failure to notice that your eyes were still on me, your thoughts still revolving around me. But the arrow that pierced through me each time a girl walked too close to you. It killed me and it healed me at the same time. I knew your worth better than before and I held you closer. You reacted, you walked off and then came laughing back on my possessiveness. I relished those moments but until then, my mind went through gruesome turmoil. Each time I made a new mistake and each time you forgave me, with varying bouts of silence.

That silence kills.

…Your eyes flashing with anger and your voice struggling to stay calm, it is one of the serious fights we have occasionally. These moments are far and few but they are always true. When two strong characters collide, there is bound to be noise and chaos. Emotions flying in the air and words hiding behind silences, we have always preferred to keep quiet rather than give vent to that rage. Thinking of each other even in those times though the arguments would never support this claim! Complaining about each other yet holding fast. Threats of ending the relation but never really gathering the courage to walk away.

Maybe because there isn’t any other place we’d rather be.

We fall, we hurt and we cry. Sometimes we ignore each other’s pleas for help and sometimes we are the first ones to wipe the tears. People worry about us, people warn us but we have never listened to people. For in our world, there is no space for people. Admirers walk in and out, jealousies soar and subside; the love still holds strong.

Maybe it is Destiny; that you walked up to say Hello…

I take a moment here and break the spell. So many memories later, it seems a lifetime with you already. The rush of memories has not lessened its intensity but the mind needs to take a break. The heart forces it too. The love that has surfaced, the sudden urge we have always joked about…it is threatening to spill over. And I am trying to fill a glass that is already full. All around, I see and hear so many bad things…upheaval in the world, resulting in frustrations abound; and for a minute I steal myself a prayer. I am thankful for my piece of Heaven amidst this chaos.

I am glad every once a while you slip on the garb of Prince Charming and make me live a Fairytale…

…I still don’t remember when I realized You were the one, or when you figured me out to be your lifetime choice. But I do remember every single time I looked at you and my heart did a somersault. I do remember wondering every single time what was it that made me drool over you so much. And I also remember every single time you questioned me over the same. I don’t think I have found the answer yet.

In fact, I have stopped looking for the answer.

All I know is that for me, True Love lies in your smile. I find it every single time you yell at me or ignore me. I see it when you look at me and talk to me. I hear it when you answer the phone and crib about being woken up. For me, True Love is in all the moments spent with you and in your absence, thinking of you…

For me, True Love is just You.

The F word…

14 July 2015.

Today, Facebook is flooded with pictures from yesteryears. Every second update is a flowing tribute. I smile as today, I don’t just scroll through the endless updates but actually stop and read each one. I am amused at how many of my friends come from the same source.

Foliage Outdoors.

Today, as Foliage Outdoors turns 15, every person associated with it till date relives their memories. You can see it in their updates. You can see it through their photos. And as you read, you realise how a single organization has changed the lives of so many different individuals in so many different ways…

If I were asked what Foliage Outdoors actually means to me, I think my immediate response would be a moment of complete silence. Of speechlessness. And in that very silence, my love and gratitude will find voice. I doubt if I could ever find a single all-encompassing word or even a sentence to define my relationship with Foliage.

Family? Friends? Entire families who have become friends? So many friends who became one huge family?

Foliage Outdoors turns 15 today, my age when I first walked in to this office. A smaller office than today’s, slightly cramped and yet always welcoming. Till date, the memories of that cozy office with orange hues warms up my heart. It was where I cycled to, at any and every leisurely hour. It was where I experienced the pampering of older siblings that I had not. It was where I learnt to explore new potentials within me and it was also where my career interests were nurtured.

My first camp as a camper. My one and only. Ranthambhore, the forest that introduced me to wildlife. It taught me how to love it and respect it, to care for it and help conserve it. The rage of eco – tourism caught up with me and I stepped over to join the Eco-centrics. I wasn’t actually born to be wild, and yet these people taught me to live life just so.

To rappel down 20-feet mountain faces or rather just plunge into the chilled waters of the Ganges from a 40-feet tall cliff. I shivered from within and learnt to put on a brave face nevertheless.

To visit the many beautiful and pristine forests of India and see the animals in their natural habitats. The skipped heartbeat while hearing the echoing alarm call just inches away from you or the racing pulse upon seeing the Royal Bengal Tiger walk straight toward you. The joy of seeing a leopard cross your path and knowing that this cat can never bring you bad luck. The realisation that you are falling in love with this life. Hard and fast.

To pack 40 hyper kids in a single bus and take them away from the comfort of their homes. To share this love and addiction of camping. To teach these young souls to become independent little beings. In return, you get treated to slobbery kisses, heartfelt hugs, midnight cuddles and teary goodbyes. You wipe off their vomits, you teach them toilet manners, you reprimand them on their eating etiquettes and you heal each physical and emotional wound there is and can be imagined. For those few hours and days, the families are forgotten and you become their everything. A mother, a father, an elder sister, a best friend. You know in 3 days, you are going to go through this process again. With a new set of hyper kids. And yet, just for that moment, you want to get caught up in that magic. Of trying to cheer up 35 homesick children. Of trying to convey the  impossibility of squeezing in 20 people on to a single bed, to 7-year olds. Of loving these darlings truly and having them love you back. An innocent love, so rare.

Today, the memories flood in by the plenty and I end up staring at the screen with mixed feelings. I am happy, sad, nostalgic, proud and so much more. Foliage Outdoors gave me more than I could have ever asked for. A huge family, an endless stream of friends and new experiences around each bend. They took a shy girl in and believed in her. While once upon a time, I didn’t have anything worthwhile to talk about, today I never run out of topics. I learnt how to recognize birds, plants, butterflies. I learnt how to handle snakes. I learnt how to distinguish between the different calls of animals. I also learnt how to tie different types of knots and how to conduct adventure activities. I learnt to handle a rifle and the intricacies of archery. I learnt how to handle children and how to read the language of their eyes. I learnt how to deal with all sorts of people and even fall in love with one. I learnt how to think of others before self and how to take care of yourself.

In the 8 years that I have been associated with Foliage, I’ve shamelessly grabbed on to each opportunity that came my way. I can only hope that I manage to give something back as well.

Foliage is my kinda F word. Children should learn this one instead 😉

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Because I love you….!

From the archives……

06 March, 2012.

Life comes with a twist. Just when things are going your way, there comes a speedbreaker or when luck is on a holiday, there comes a bend. The view is blocked, the future uncertain.

What do you do then?

Take a breath, enjoy the scenery!

The trees are an inspiration. They let their roots in, hold on tight. Never to let go. Always there.

You are like that. My anchor. My inspiration. My reality check.

Sometimes I hate you to the core, at least in my mind I imagine it so. Sometimes I can’t love you enough. It’s a roller coaster, living you is.

Most times it’s sunny in my world but sometimes it rains. Downpours never-ending. Then you are the umbrella.

Letting out your spokes, me holding on tight. Never leaking. Always there.

At times you are the whiff of freshly-brewed coffee. Refreshing yet with a tinge of bitterness. But at the end, there’s always unstirred sugar.

That was the whole objective. Reaching to the depths, discovering the tightly stuck sugar. Always there, a spoon’s touch away.

You are the tickle that spreads a giggle through me. I hate the way it catches me unaware, but the unpredictability is the crux.

It’s always there. A part of my ‘routine’, never leaving.

You are like a blanket. Protecting me from the troubles outside. Yet darkness prevails inside. Touch accentuates, and warmth creeps through me.

I know the cold within me won’t leave that easily. But you will bring warmth. As always.

You are like this impromptu article. Not knowing your aim, but the passion intact.

The underlying principle holding the diversity in you together. You can never fall apart, because I am there.

Always there. Loving you forever.

Holding you together…!

Dear Life, for all those times when we have disappointed each other, not held up each other’s expectations, or simply turned our backs on each other…..this is just a reminder!

Because I love you…! 🙂

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Full to the brim.

13 March 2013.

The sunlight streaming through the window envelopes me in warm soft glow. The clouds hide those sun rays from time to time and the sun almost flirts with me. I smile upon this thought and leave my comfortable chair to greet the sun at the window. Almost on cue, it pops out from behind a cloud and hits me straight in the face…

I love this warmth. It makes me feel safe; it embraces me and says Don’t worry I will always take care of you. After the brutal winter, sunshine is comforting. As I am lost in thought, the scene in front of my eyes undergoes a change. From fiery orange, the sun has dissolved into a hue of colours. The sky looks like a painting and I am enthralled. For the next couple of minutes, I am lost in rapture.

As the sun dips below the horizon, a peaceful kind of darkness takes its place. The cool evening breeze catches me on my face now and my hair blow in response. I tie them up tight but a few stubborn curls still escape…That’s how it is while dealing with Nature’s beauties. They leave you addicted even before you can catch yourself. One step forward and you can be lost forever…

In those perfect moments, I find pure happiness. The sun has long gone but I am still basking in his glow. The sunshine is now safely stored within…and it will go on to light up the rest of my day. At this particular point, I can ask for nothing more. I have everything I need and miraculously everything I need is exactly what I want.

Right now, it seems like the cup of my happiness is full.

Full to the brim.

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